past journal - 9-21-th - to intro

Today’s date: Thursday 4th October 2007 time 1:45pm

9/21/TH 00:43

A strange smell, and the fan and ms! I couldn’t lock myself inside cause there’s no key, someone some how lost it, cause tonight it would have been the biggest of all suicides. I’m sure no sane guy has more pills than I do, but it would have been useless cause I couldn’t lock the door and they would have found me soon after.
I was saying to myself, to my stupid, stupid self, that i could have ended all of this a year ago as I was really near the end, I was on that edge that line today.
I feel so sic and tired and bored I want smack, and the only thing I can do to save myself is to get the money and fly to U.K. near Moira and I would have saved myself, cause here I feel so terribly lonely and sadly confused to extreme mental pain, suffocating in guilt feelings. I shouldn’t have let her go and also make her say she loves me! I need to be near her and with her cause we started to live our own life together, and it’s just so really difficult without her. I’m no damn bad person, I’m feeling really fucked up, I feel like killing some certain people. Oh god, sometimes no one knows I’m really feeling so mad and no people (mum n dad)try to and just run away so they won’t have to talk, cause they know what I require to take at times, they stay away, leaving me alone, even the stars go hide, but my two dogs love me, I guess that if they could they would help me at times, and give me money to buy. It’s strange Moira wanted to let me know she loves me! so damn hard feelings so heavy crying as if were never coming back. I wanted to switch off the light and I ask a question to god… hey man, are you there,? I need your help. I really do not know what to feel now and I’m more afraid of what I can feel tomorrow. Release me.
The cup in the sink was full and the girl on the drawing was crying and looks like moira.
How will I?
Will I? Tomorrow + 40 days left out. Then I will get worse inside alone except the soft toy that moira bought for me… I will see him tomorrow, I will somehow get it, or I go that stipulated time or he comes with the soft toy.
My god, my loved young ladies have all gone away with the plane, I’m afraid I’m cursed.
How the hell is this happening to me again? Things will get worse cause I feel this, I say could they be worse? Is it ever enough? This shit of life and you’re away, from there, from me. I’m feeling so bad I can’t even piss and I’m freezing although it’s hot as ever, sticky body: hate but I’m freezing. I would be left freezing if not for my mind.

She was sad and she said she had drank “but ok Darren I’m ok, now will sleep, Tomorrow ok, I love you “ ( a.n. she was drunk and sad )

Four years are sooo long. This is the first latest news, say that on the 3rd year she’s gonna be working at California as a student at the U.k. but how will I?
Maybe it’s just a dream but will I?
Will I ever awake from?
Mum and dad don’t love me as much anymore.
o.k. o.k. I know they are sad and life is sad, but they seem if I can’t do one wrong.
Maybe cause of money.
And then I can’t get extra ativan cause I have no extra. Just for one month. Though mum can get me, but it’s boring.
Only assurance I have is written in front of me, is the: Smokers die younger.