A one Change For Ever

Time is feeling so slow to go by, for i just have a shower god after quite some time being and feeling dirty and miserable, i'm thinking of you moira, unfortunately you dont want to do some little just for help nothing more.
And so it seems i won't be here for quite some time now since i'll be starting a long and painful process from next monday 9th of April 09'.
Yes, again, indeed @ Dar L'Impenn for an unevitable sic Detoxification from Methadone and Heroin altogetherand then from there i move out on the 16th of February 09' to go to Oasi escorted on a drowsy Ship leaving Malta by sea to go to Gozo!. That day I'll have to wake up early from sleep if i do sleep and get the 7:30am Ship destination Gozo to be there, visited by a Doctor at 8:15am and therfore start The 6 months or more Rehabilitation Therapeutic Program.
So then once started I will spend the first intense three months as Residential with the obvious rule of not leaving out of the place for any reason, and then spend the next 3 other months as a semi residential at the half way house with the difference of being able to be kind of trusted to leave the place on your own or with other residents. The Oasi Program is based on the twelve steps and evidentially we also Have N.A. meetings twice a week. The first seven weeks are very intense. The first week or maybe two weeks, I'll be having still some side effects and withdrawal symptoms due to the Detoxification. but i know for sure even cause of prior experiences i had in the 8 years being a Junky, that with several sessions per day with a psychologist, key worker and carers and my personal counsellor Tania i will be able to fill my mind with positive toughts instead of wasting time thinking the same wrong things over and over again.
There's even one thing in particular i will really like at oasi instead of other places is the early morning walk which will mentally help me to the rest of the day for sure.
I am seriously really looking forward to do it this time , cause now it's been a long time since i'm overbored repeating the same hard routine for years. I say to myself that i know i have to do it, and i will surely do it and stay clean for the rest of my life for a simple reason that is i just dont want even for free to repeat just one minute of that junky life, Cause i just want to Own my beautiful life back, start making music again and keep a decent job and forget all the things i had to go through to fix myslef every damned junky day. I want to live and be free and content even with nothing! It's Just I don't want that addiction back!! I've wasted many years. Now i'm sure and looking forward to make every single second of my life free to dol all the nice things i want to any time i want to!!!

Darren Gatt
Band: TOTEMA.

spiriti spiriti - cant get the flow of well being

is this my life ?
is this my life i ask- speakimg
i ask you - what is this shit
what is this?
motion - emotion - how can i be emotional if i dont even move - and yeah i know it's stupid that why i ask it ..
where is everyone
yes no one anyone
im thinking
sometimes more than others i get into such a i line i can almost feel you .. i made you mey hero
as on t.v. - that girl
king arthur and ginevra
endless flashes
you
you re away in someones else's life in someones else's body
what is this ???
this is disgusting, this is my biggest lie , my life and why cant i even die?
it would be so much better, maybe
this martyr i suffer, this thing i can't take anymore
i cant take anymore , your'e supposed to be gone right ...
ooh my god i'm repeating
im repeating a disgusting life ..
imagine i am going again into a place i hate so much where there you are secluded .... confined
why im already that way
and why to my mind
to me ?? what have i done
im so in pain
it's so
im like being burnt , thrown fuel on me everytime, almost every god dammned day
and then i cant even take a hit
what ois tos sufering ??
for what and why ?
only
i want the medicine for this life and i want it free as painn comes for free
i want to be on the nod then , yeah forever
yeah its so cold in here
like a song says ..like edrinking poison like eationg glass
please someone whoo is sane , please someone save me .. you m.z .
how do you do ? how do you do ..!!!!!!!! i love youuuuuuuuuuu... how!!! moira how
what are you doing right now
this thing is god damn nice and beatiful only if i could have someone sane in my own world in my own reality ..
whhhhhhhyyyy ??? do you never talk to me
wht why hwy hwwy whywhywhywhh
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
you know last time ive seen you .. with with that
you both
i was with others you know
cause i think that wouldnt have gone so easy
cause this thing isnt eaasy
and i dont know why , i,m so close to make you pay f
and co
the truth is the pain is so big ,even heroin can take it away, so thats a lie as well
you never wanted to know!never you asked , you never even once said please or sorry not once in these years
maybe im still standing for you to come please and break this piece of me that still hopes , please come and finish this
yeahhhh lik... you had to finish this
i am so stupid i have to and im paying for my silence .. for have let you go like that. stupid me
i wished so much to hear you ask ... if i was ok, or if i've been missing you
and if i start to cry and think when is the time to stop its never, cause this thing will end up bad i think end up with me in the grave
why have youo left me excactly that same way
you know after ,. i did for you the biggest you saqid
and i flew..
but why after that!
these questions cant remain unanswered cause im so bad , if i add it all in one time .. it's unimaginable emotional pain is emotionsl is big it moves you..
signed:fuck this please. d.g. to m.z. stop
still leave it flowing .. hope you soon.. i .. this life is working against me .. moir ha nispicca hem nerga taf... wahdi imma li qed nitkellem wahditid tqis u ninten ax u jien ma nara l hadd fhimt .. taf kif ta.. imma .. mela ejjjja

he im losing and gaining weight,, maybe thats the only game i reaally play, u know i still feel bad when i eat coz since u made me realize i was really bad with the wieght, ... were you ever a part of me?
i pray luci and do stup things lots
i wish to feel you once
i hope we
i hope there will be better days


you know you never told me if i

Thinking and the Tought

2. Cannabis (smoked various types: blokka, grass, plasticine u zejt.) It was one of my favorite drugs until I used heroin. I started smoking blokka since the age of 13 and it made me feel good and I would really like the way it made be and think, it was part of my nice life; I never had problems using it. No police or habits. It is the only drug that I sold in my entire life. I already had my band and everyone knew I used marijuana and some did even admire me in many ways especially for talking very positively about marijuana and about the legalization issue, Peace ,Love and Equality for everyone, Anarchy and common sense, I had lots of subjects what to talk about, Songs about social issues like F*** L-Ezamijiet, One big problem of today’s society and the youth is provoked by the Education Department regarding the all kinds of Examinations in school, I said that if we were assessed for Our emotional intelligence instead of our I.Q. intelligence, many of the bored youth of our generation would be working in the place they really liked instead of other jobs that had to be their career for life only because for example you failed in a Mathematics or English exam, that u had to do to go into nursing school. That’s only one issue...etc. Now talking about marijuana personal use I cannot say it did not have any side effects which were negative and bad, Cause I used to have problems of sleep ( insomnia ) and then another problem if I slept I wouldn’t wake up. I would even have very bad dreams caused for sure by the THC. , many times I would wake up trying to breathe due to an unexplained kind of suffocation, Then frequently my heart would race for no reason for a minute straight and that was frightening. I also became very sensitive or hyper sensitive, sometimes, maybe due to that high sensitivity I would have a kind of bad trip, accompanied by a huge paranoia that for example I wouldn’t stick in a small room or in a normal room but with 4 people in it, I became paranoid and start asking paranoid questions that would make me feel worse with the answer. There is one thing that people noticed in me and told me about it, it is that almost 75 to 80% of the times I used marijuana, instead of slowing me down, it would speed me up, and my thoughts would race without limits of what to say or think, sometimes I would talk normally but at other times I would just talk confused, without no one understanding me or without never getting to the conclusion cause I would forget what I was talking about. I even thought about this thing and tried to figure out what was and how things were doing inside my mind. And I came out with imaging the mind composed by Roots and their several branches going out of them from both sides. (I will use this example of The Thinking Branches of root and thought to make it easy to understand) Imagine a bisected drawing of a plant or a tree, where, when the stem would go under the soil where roots normally form, now imagine the mind as those roots. Where the branch is the thought (a straight line from beginning to end) and the side roots, like left and right hands of a body are the details of all the information of that thought. Now what happens when a conversation takes place normally, your ideas would follow that single line (the branch) perfectly without going into the roots of that thought, and so then you speak the word.

Now what was happening with me was that when I started to converse, instead of following that branch simply from beginning to end, I would complicate the thought and be stopped by going into the side roots of that branch and use excess details of the information about the final thought, where; I would start speaking for example about how to cook a cake and instead of simply telling the recipe, I would start talking about the taste of the ingredients, their origins, where do they come from and lots of other non really important details, , but that are forever there stamped in the mind, collected through studying, months of information or experience throughout our life, and that’s the effect of the THC on me.

Politika Populari / Anomija ta' l 11 9 08 2128-

Ghejna lill xulxin niehdu l-izball
u issa l ugiegh diehel il gewwa.
L-affari difficli biex tigi as sewwa!
Il hames snin jghaddu
u ahna nibqghu ghedewwa
Tarana mill-boghod tahsibna mejtin,
tinduna li hajjin, jekk int tersaq vicin
Pero, Sirna falza din li nisthu minn xulxin.
Ahna kollha nixtiequ wisq!ghax inhossu l faqar qieghed jaghfas wisq!
Is-sens ta telfa jirbah, fuq is sens ta appartenenza,
Tifhima!?!! l' is-sens tal hajja spicca w kulhadd ifittex dik il bicca
Tifimha l'qtugh ta qalb?, il hin kollu?, dak it talb
Pero! Jekk il hsieb tal-bidla, u it- tama u l-holm jispicca...
Mela l-kbarat jiggustifikaw il hazin kollu li jgibu aw.
u meta l ewwel jigu huma u jbieghu l hemm kull ma hawn aw.
il prezz tal hajja dejjem joghla u qatt xejn ma thoss gej l-hawn.
Tibda tixba wisq minn kollox, u l-qtugh ta qalb jirbah malajr.

Some of US Are / sat 3 sep 08 2106

When youre not welcome and your mum hates you, youre hated and you don't have the Family.
And this is one of the things that i lately had to feel and i realized this and i'm very content i came to know it and accept it.
When your mum is ready to throw what comes at first hand directly into your face and your Dad threatens you with the biggest butcher knife there is at home, squeezing it against your throat, you can say and be sure, that somewhere in the mind of someone, there's a long story, with a history of self pity and hate that will stay there forever till you die!

When youre playing different games at once, you just don't know where to go ..

Some can go Home
Some may find the safe place
Some may hide in their own mind and create their survive
Some try the same but they fuck up
For some it's difficult to be false and so control reality
Some escape in drugs
Some in a relation ship
Some in sex
Some in something healthy or the opposite
Some die or at least try suicide
Some of us dream all day long
Some of us become someone else
Some of us feel better off than to be ordered the life
Some of us try to start a new beginning
Some try to teach or preach life itself
Some decided love, pain and freedom is the answer
Some sell their soul to Satan
Some try to sleep all day long
Some get out of existence and change culture for life
Some of us read, write, make and play music all the time
Some of us stalk something hope fully ( it never ends ) nice
Some of us get a boost and go borderline and come back the same.
Some go to prison for life
Some find it very easy to die but others find it really tough
Some get labelled crazy and keep thinking and then start acting so as well
Some of us draw it
Some of us go far away with a craving, and u dont see them for long
Some of us young start loosing their older ones
Some of us understand they were left alone and that it wasnt their choice in the end.
Some of us try to live in a film
Some of us try to make it a game
A lot think and a lot drink, Some get rich or might just binge
the list goes on and on and on

For love is the best thing in the world !

a grievous abandon

Grievous Abandon

I will die in coughs,burn out and cry,...
see my eyes and i'm saved forever,
I wish your eyes let me die together.
With your cries, i waved that night', and you said t'll be all right,
you're the other half of my heart, and still
The next day i felt alone, and i tried to own back home,
but last night i didnt know,
I had to lust and hear just no,
for when i was 21 you saved me from death, 22 was i found my true love and from 23 i lost my life.
( she left me by the knife, without life. she's my dream' promised be my wife and mother of our child.
But today i need her help.
I'm being hurt and being threat
and this is matter of life or death,
but your help... i just can't get,
cause for you... as if i'm dead and more useless, and was worthless,
for you i'm nothing,
Stupid like an old ring, a dying patient, an enthusiast boring,
A love and a feeling to forget .. and much regret

Darren Gatt
Totema